Journal #2 – Just Throw Me Off The Cliff

If there’s one thing about me I can say has improved throughout my college years, its social skills. Granted I still think they need work, I’m much better off than I was around my late middle-high school times. Around those times, I paid big time for my naivete in thinking that every person I crossed was my friend. I was never the type to gossip, spread rumors, or any of that infamous, scandalous crap. When someone would tell me a secret, my lips were sealed, locked, and cemented shut. I knew how it felt to entrust someone to something secret, have them swear on whom or whatever, aaand then turn around and spill it like poorly screwed pipes. The end result was a bloated, embarrassing mess that buried me further down the totem pole. After that, I became much more darker and reclusive. Though my open attitude was “screw people, you all suck”, there was something inside me that screamed and cried for a real friend. After school, it was just me, schoolwork, video games, books, poetry, drawing and Cash Cab. Wasn’t going out to parties and hanging with friends. Pretty much, I was a heavy introvert around that time.

Upon getting into college, I transformed into more of an ambivert. I was more willing and comfortable with being sociable. I was more introverted when it came to me just not being in the mood to deal with people or when I was working on one of a thousand of my personal non-school related projects. Sure, I ran into some high school style drama here and there, but overall the community and being surrounded by awesome friends who taught me much practically boosted my confidence.

The purpose behind this little backstory about my internal conflicts with introversion, ambiversion, and extroversion is…well…I’m right back at it again. Yeah…I feel like I’m turning back into my old, cold, broody, reclusive self. I won’t go into detail but point blank straight to the point, I was recently betrayed by some “friends”. Ditched, abandoned, left out to dry on a rainy day…of all days. I didn’t hear back from them at all. Not later that day. Not the next day. Not EVER. The people in question know where I live and have a crap-ton of ways to contact me. The thing that hit me the most was that this wasn’t the first time someone has done this to me. I’m sure you at one time or another have been stood up before whether it was friends or even a lover. What I’m getting at here is that this had been done to me thrice in high school. Even more, I eventually found out that the people that had done this to me did so for the same reason: They didnt want me around. They were apparently trying to “send me a message” or something.

I have a pretty weird and rather psychotic outlook on betrayal. It amazes me how we live in a society that apparently LOVES and VALUES honesty…especially if its “brutal honestly”. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before:

“I’m gonna tell it like it is!”

“I’m not gonna sugar-coat the truth!”

“I’m gonna tell ’em the truth straight to their face!”

Yeah, yeah…shut up. For one, some people just claim “brutal honesty” in their words as a cop-out for just being nasty, hurtful, and anything but honest. Look, I’m not saying just give someone a slap on the wrist or be all cuddly with them, but if you’re gonna knock someone down, pick them back up and help put some ice on the wounds.

Second of all, I’ve heard some of the very same people who have pulled crap like misleading, abandoning, and standing someone up say this and other forms of this crap before. If you claim to be so big, bad, and bold, then how about doing as you say and tell someone up to their face. In this case, I’d preferred that if these individuals did not want me around them, that they would’ve just straight up told me. At least I wouldn’t have wasted any of my time and crazy as it sounds, I would at least respect that more. Yeah, as insane as it sounds, I’d rather someone looking to backstab me actually stab me in the back instead of giving me a fake pat on it. You’re not doing some goodwill or charity by dragging someone along. Additionally, as much as you supposedly claim to be bold, real and honest, by doing so you’re actually being really feeble and fake.

If you despise me enough to want to throw me off a cliff, then just throw me off. Again…as insane as it sounds, I’ll at least respect you.